It's one of those rare moments of the year (apart from birthday and Christmas) that you get to tell Mum how grateful you are to have her as a mum. You get to say 'I love you mum,' even though she knows it's perfectly okay to tell her that every OTHER day too. You shower her with gifts you took ages to get because she likely has everything she needs, except for maybe some time with her children and grandchildren. Instead, she gets a scarf or a book. She is so thankful for them as she adds them to her scarf and book collections.
It is especially lovely when the generations come together to celebrate the day. Mums of the family, United through motherhood! The grandparents feeling especially overjoyed because they got to experience the heart exploding joy of motherhood again when grandchildren entered their world. The next generation mothers are feeling wonderful too because they celebrate their mum and at the exact same time, celebrate themselves for being the best mums they could be. There's a beautiful symmetry to it all isn't there? After all, there is nothing in the world quite like motherhood. It changes your life, figure and the very core of who you are.
Or so I have been told. Many times. Oh what a blissful thing to hear! If you did not catch my thinly veiled sarcasm, then allow me this one moment to speak on my frustration, delight and grief that occurs, well, everyday, but most especially on Mothers Day.
Would the women without children in this world, please stand up. Yes, you, down the back of a church, smiling as mothers are given their reward for being mothers. You, who makes this day all about their mum, so to perhaps distract yourself enough to not notice the day that did not really include you. It's okay, I know you'll cry about it later. And yes, even you, the one who slept in til 1 just because you felt like it.
I know who you are. I AM you.
I was scrolling through Google today to find some nice encouraging quotes to send your way, but Google, Oh how you've let me down! Let's see... There is the quote about losing a child, about losing a mother or the quote about loving the freedom of being childless... Hooray!!! Then there is my favourite.. The quotes about how I will have my time soon.. Just hang in there! Some day.. You WILL be a mother! There are quotes about how mother-less people are still mothers deep down because they care for the whole world or even quotes stating the being aunties, are kinda LIKE being a mother, but you get to give them back when they cry and stamp their feet! Phew, right?!
The truth is, the world just can't get a handle on what to call us. Are we mothers-to-be or wanna-be-mums with the horror of infertility? Are we mums who have lost our baby, but mums even still? Are we the feminist-I-choose-not-to-have-children types or the type who is still waiting for THE ONE man to live their life and have babies with? We have no title and we have no baby. As a child-less/free person I am going to attempt to share with you what goes through my thought process over this subject. Perhaps I will debunk a few myths and surprise you mothers in the process.
First of all, there are women who choose NOT to have children. I was not one of them, but they are out there. The so-called void, dedicated to only being filled by being a mother is absolute rubbish. Ahh mums, before you think 'she would say that because she has no idea what it's like'... Just remember... You were young once. Remember that childhood when you went on school camp and had homework and a loving family that went on holidays together.. and you're camping, looking up at the stars at night, feeling both full from the BBQ you had earlier and completely empty from the endless void you feel because you have never been a mother? Remember? No you don't you silly sausage, because the void did not exist. For those who have never experienced childbirth and/or who have not raised a human.. The void STILL does not exist. It seems that void only enters the scene when you become a mother. I'm not saying there isn't desire and longing.. But desire and longing is experienced by everyone for many things. The 'void' I am sure, is a creation made up from companies like Johnson and Johnson and Huggies.
Can I just add a very a vital side note at this article. When I say 'child-less/free people' I do not include those who have lost a child either during their pregnancy, childbirth or at any point after. You have a category all of your own. You have lost so much and the grief must be immense. But, and I say this with deep respect and love, you are STILL a mother. I can't even begin to imagine how that might feel, to be a mother without a child, and I won't attempt to. But as sad as it is, you still held a human inside of you. Even if you never held your baby in your arms, you carried it, for however short that may have been. I think it's the greatest hug one could give another. You did that. That's why you are a mother even after the hug is over.
I have gone through such a mixture of emotions about this subject in my life. Perhaps I am the only example of my kind. For I am the one who waited for THE ONE who never came.. Which is fine, because I am also the one who has about a 1% chance of ever getting pregnant, carrying or delivering a healthy baby. I am also the one who always believed she would be an amazing mum. I really do think that. I am the one who has felt actual pain and heart-exploding joy all at the same time as she watches her sisters have children. I am also the one who feels like she has a share of ownership in her nieces and nephews so much so that sometimes, I just want to say... "Look, I think I can do this part better, so let me just handle it ok?" I sometimes also feel that the decisions my sisters make about their children, have not included me and it feels wrong. I feel like every time they do that, I am divorced from my sisters and I am reminded yet again, that I am not the mother. It kills me.
But I am also the one who has found a peaceful place, being without children. I wouldn't say I am at peace, but I know the place where peace resides and I visit frequently. I might retire there... A happy, stylish childless, stress-less old spinster who does whatever she wants and probably talks to herself. I am the one who appreciates the freedom now. It has been a long hard road finding that place, but now that I have found it, I try to go there as often as I can. I don't want my sisters life. I like sleeping in. In fact, it's lunchtime now and I'm still in bed, typing this. I like that I can do that. I should be allowed to feel good about doing that too. Why is it that those who do not have children are expected to be up just before sunrise, because those with kids are up too. My sisters and I have a great arrangement now, but it wasn't always that way. When my eldest was born, she would wake up so early. When I was staying, her dad would get her up and bring her into my room, then go back to bed! I'm not complaining because she was adorably cuddly and I was still in my "I want one" phase. But my dear one grew up and in her auntie's footsteps, she LOVES to sleep in. My other three are still fairly early to rise and it was a struggle whenever I stayed. But bless her, my little sis cottoned onto that a while ago and she makes a point of getting up when the children rise, and she promptly closes my door so the children don't wake their auntie. God bless my sisters! Because when I am awake, I'm the auntie who plays with her children, making up games with them and doing crazy things with our imaginations all while taking photos of every moment from every angle. I am THAT person.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that we who are without the joy of knowing what it's like to be pregnant or what it's like to raise human beings. We.. are a complicated group. But on Mother's Day, we would like to be acknowledged. We would like to be thanked, if even just once, for our contribution. We don't want to take away from the mums with children and especially from the mums without children. We just want our place. Because with or without children, we are all women. Yes, all of us. Those who get pregnant with a glance, those who try for years to find themselves successful at long last or never. Those who enjoy the freedom of not having children and those who never had a chance. We are all still women, and we ALL deserve, at the very least, 1 day, dedicated to us.
So if you are pregnant or breastfeeding... Grab the grape juice! If you are trying, race for the folate! If you are still in bed, grab the champagne because drinking champagne in bed is totally awesome... And ladies, raise your glass, pat yourself on the back, and cheers... To you! And cheers to me!
Happy Mother's Day.
Vickie xx
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